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Mar. 24th, 2009 01:16 pmIt ain't easy being green... Kermit got it right in one fell swoop of a song, and Lorne couldn't agree more. Pouring himself another drink by the liquor cabinet, he tries so hard not to think about the past few days. The past week or so, since Valentine's.
Chatting with Justin just opened up an entire bunch of floodgates inside, and the only way he knows how to close them back up tight is to drown himself in gin. Some things are just too personal, too raw for you to ever want to acknowledge them, and he came way, way too close yesterday.
If at first he was afraid, petrified, at the thought of letting someone close, anyone at all... When you have a dream in a bottle telling you exactly how wonderful it could be if you just had a little faith and stopped keeping everyone at arm's length--
He swallows his drink, fixes himself a new one. Just G, no T tonight.
It could be wonderful. It could be grand. It could be everything he's ever needed or wanted, everything he'd decided wasn't for him. He could find someone - not just anyone - who got that same look in their eye when thinking of him, like Justin did, describing the man he loves.
He's just too bitter. He's too self conscious and sullied by his past choices, damaged goods that no one would want. But if someone did want him...
He shakes his head, arguing the silent monologue raging through his mind to keep his heart out of this, to leave well enough alone. He doesn't want anyone. He doesn't need anyone. People who care about him only ever get hurt in the end, and he can't take that anymore. He's fresh out of band aids.
He's fresh out of everything you'd ever want in a guy. All that's left is his wit, and that bores everyone out of their skull sooner or later. Eventually. It's just a matter of time before they see through the charm and the jokes to the green and red shell full of nothing at all.
He's nothing. So why should he want something so bad it hurts, just anything to fill him up and make him substantial again. Something good. Someone good.
Someone good is out there, just waiting for him to come along, just waiting for him to have his third time's a charm, dream come true moment, and it's all in vain.
There will never be a third time.
He made sure of that months ago.
Chatting with Justin just opened up an entire bunch of floodgates inside, and the only way he knows how to close them back up tight is to drown himself in gin. Some things are just too personal, too raw for you to ever want to acknowledge them, and he came way, way too close yesterday.
If at first he was afraid, petrified, at the thought of letting someone close, anyone at all... When you have a dream in a bottle telling you exactly how wonderful it could be if you just had a little faith and stopped keeping everyone at arm's length--
He swallows his drink, fixes himself a new one. Just G, no T tonight.
It could be wonderful. It could be grand. It could be everything he's ever needed or wanted, everything he'd decided wasn't for him. He could find someone - not just anyone - who got that same look in their eye when thinking of him, like Justin did, describing the man he loves.
He's just too bitter. He's too self conscious and sullied by his past choices, damaged goods that no one would want. But if someone did want him...
He shakes his head, arguing the silent monologue raging through his mind to keep his heart out of this, to leave well enough alone. He doesn't want anyone. He doesn't need anyone. People who care about him only ever get hurt in the end, and he can't take that anymore. He's fresh out of band aids.
He's fresh out of everything you'd ever want in a guy. All that's left is his wit, and that bores everyone out of their skull sooner or later. Eventually. It's just a matter of time before they see through the charm and the jokes to the green and red shell full of nothing at all.
He's nothing. So why should he want something so bad it hurts, just anything to fill him up and make him substantial again. Something good. Someone good.
Someone good is out there, just waiting for him to come along, just waiting for him to have his third time's a charm, dream come true moment, and it's all in vain.
There will never be a third time.
He made sure of that months ago.
