[In Need of a Friend]

[nomorekaraoke]

That morning, waking up was the most confusingly lovely thing he'd ever done. It was wonderful, and scary and thrilling at the same time, and it made him feel like something had sucked his heartbeat right up to his chest. It was so wonderful it left him feeling slightly giddy, ever so slightly nauseous with overwhelming excitement.


~*~


He's been smoking all day, walking around the place like he's a very antsy alarm clock just waiting to go off. He'll start screaming soon. If he stops moving, he'll start throwing things around and upset his neighbors, and he'll scream and then he won't know how to stop.

Maybe if he just keeps breathing, he'll be fine. Maybe the smoke will keep him warm enough that he doesn't notice just how empty his too big apartment is. But why stop there? Why not include his whole life into the equation?

Lighting up the last cigarette in his last pack of them, Lorne takes a long, unsteady drag and exhales. Even his breath sounds like death warmed over, and suddenly he's struck by another string of thoughts. His record's stuck on repeat: I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be alone!

I don't want to

He picks up his cell phone off the coffee table, going through his call log and picking out the only number he can trust. And what does he get for it? He gets the answering machine. 'Hi, this is Beth. You know what to do after the beep.'

"Beth, are you there? I didn't know who else to call...but I'm having a really bad day, and I'm not dealing very well, and I just think I need someone to talk to. I didn't know who else to call, I'm sorry if this is totally inappropriate, I just... Call me when you can, all right?"

Comments

[sunnydalealum]

Beth straightens a little bit, her brows tugging together. "You've got lots of friends."

[nomorekaraoke]

"There's you - my darling pumpkin," he says, dabbing one more time at his eyes, then his nose. Tries a smile to no noticeable effect. Boys don't cry.

"And if we're being inclusive, there's Angie and Ramon. ...and my dreamboat what dare not speak its name. I can't afford to make friends, but sometimes..."

[sunnydalealum]

Why can't you afford to make friends? she almost asks, and then doesn't.

She knows why.

[nomorekaraoke]

He swallows again, trying to convince his throat not to constrict at just the thought of 'friends'. He sips his coffee; tells himself the sugar warms him better than any dream.

"I never had all that many friends, in LA," he says, then, as if talking about the weather. "I could count them with the fingers of just one hand. Three of them died in less than a year, and I couldn't do one thing to save them. I didn't see it coming."

[sunnydalealum]

"Oh my god."

Her voice is tiny, and softened with sorrow.

"How awful for you."

[nomorekaraoke]

One of his shoulders hunch up in the hint of a shrug, his chin tilts to meet it halfway. He isn't even sure why he's sharing so much; isn't sure what he's trying to explain, or what blow he's trying to soften.

"Every time I start caring for someone, I panic at the thought of losing them. I don't really...get past that stage all that often, but when I do..." He'll give anything, including his own life to keep them safe.

[sunnydalealum]

"Yeah."

She puts out her hand again, this time palm up.

[nomorekaraoke]

Lorne slides his hand into Beth's without so much as one thought, and holds on as another bout of frustrated woe threatens to turn his eyes into miniature waterfalls. Heartbreak sucks. "It feels like I've lost him already."

[sunnydalealum]

She squeezes, hard, as though trying to pull at least some of the pain out of him.

"Is that ... I don't know how to ask this. Is that what it means? Your, your dream?"

[nomorekaraoke]

He sighs tremulously, jaw working in silence as he blinks his eyes. He's fine. No worries. Peachy keen. "It means he'll find someone who...loves him like you wouldn't believe. Someone who thinks he's the bees knees, flaws and all.

"It just won't be me."

[sunnydalealum]

"I don't know what to say." Soft. "Except that that sucks. I'm so sorry."

[nomorekaraoke]

"Yeah." He smiles, suddenly overcome by a tiny little flicker of giggles. "It absolutely, positively sucks. But I need to buck up and figure out how to tell him the good news." Nodding, as if to convince himself. "Because he needs to know."

[sunnydalealum]

The sudden shift to laughter takes her by surprise, but only for a moment.

"You'll figure out a way," she tells him, trying hard to project confidence. "It'll be all right."

[nomorekaraoke]

It's the way it works. The shittier you feel, the more your body tries to convince you otherwise. It's about survival.

"Yeah," he murmurs, brushing his thumb over Beth's fingers, squeezing them gently. "I just need to get over the overwhelming urge to drown my sorrows in gin."

[sunnydalealum]

"Drown them in coffee instead?" she suggests.

[nomorekaraoke]

He nods, lifting his Styrofoam cup for a big sip. The warmth helps. And the sugar too, even if he doesn't want to think about naturally sweet things. Slowly, reluctantly, he slides his hand out of Beth's.


"...I'm so screwed. Aren't I?"

[sunnydalealum]

She breathes out a long, unhappy sigh.

"Is it gonna do any good to say it's not the end of the world?"

[nomorekaraoke]

"I've survived the Apocalypse." He shrugs, looking up. His head hurts. His eyes feel like they're about to pop out of his head from the pressure building behind them.

"Didn't see that one comin' either."

[sunnydalealum]

"But this is still better than an apocalypse, right?" Soft, and trying for certainty.

[nomorekaraoke]

He nods, gritting his teeth. "It's better."

[sunnydalealum]

"...or at least not quite so bad."

She's quiet for a second, sober.

"I know that's not really the same thing as better."

[nomorekaraoke]

Dragging a deep breath through his nose, he makes himself relax his jaw. "Nah. It isn't good, but it's better. For a given value of it.

"You know who it is," he asks, hating the words the moment they're out of his mouth. "Don't you?"

[sunnydalealum]

Her chest contracts around her heart with sorrow.

She takes a deep breath and manages to speak matter-of-factly. "I could guess. Unless you'd rather I didn't."

[nomorekaraoke]

"I don't..." He starts. Stops. Scratches the back of his head. "I just don't want it to be a problem that I'm friends with him."

He feels so ignorant. He doesn't even know what Beth really thinks of the guy, and what's worse, he never bothered to ask. He just made assumptions.

[sunnydalealum]

"If it was gonna be a problem," she says, and marvels for a moment at how calm she sounds -- how calm she actually is -- "it would've been one since the first time you brought him to the club. It's not. Seriously."